Analyze this message pg. 161

#4

(1) Analyze the strengths and weaknesses of each sentence
(2) Revise the document so that it follows this chapter's guidelines

This is particular document is requesting information for Nick Oshinski. The last sentence in the first paragraph reads (This means, of course, that I would be the person best qualified to answer your request for information on Nick Oshinski); although this statement may be true, the person comes off sounding cocky and insincere. I would change it to say, "As the human resource director, I could easily answer your request for information..."

The first sentence of the second paragraph has a grammatical errors that standout. The body of this paragraph doesn't at all make the negative sound positive. The close statement did sum everything up but was not cordial.

If I had to rewrite this request this is what it would say:

Your letter to Kunitake Ando, President of Sony, was forwarded to me because I am the human resources director. In my job as HR, I have access to performance reviews for all of the Sony employees in the United States. So as the HR, I am most suitable to answer your request for information on Nick Oshinski.
In your letter on the 15th, you asked about Nick Oshinski's employment record with us because he has applied to work for your company. Mr. Oshinski was employed with our company for ten years. While he worked for this company, Mr. Oshinski received ratings ranging from 2.5 up to 9.6, with 10 being the top score. As you can see, over the course of time that Mr. Oshinski was employed here he learned the rules of the trade and found his on way to come out on top.

In summary, Nick Oshinski handled his task and managers very well which enabled his performance for this company to excel.

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